Perhaps now would be a good time for you to discover a new perspective on what friendship means to you.
The thing you are referring to as a loyalty complex sounds more like clinging than any actual form of loyalty. Your decision to mend the friendship didn’t come from a place of genuine affection, it came from the fear of someone giving up on you.
We talk about “having” friends but this is just typical materialistic philosophy. A friend is not an object you possess and even though you know this logically when you stop to think about it, the language we use often has unconscious implications. We have a friend, we don’t have a friend, we end a friendship, and so on.
All of this completely ignores the central element of friendship: relating. A friend is a way of relating to someone both with love and acceptance. You appreciate and allow. But when we start considering a friend something we have, we stop relating from the heart. We no longer engage in friendship as a verb but rather as a noun.
It’s like the way the romance can go out of a budding relationship when a label is placed on it. Sometimes we start relying on the label and stop living it.
I am often reminded of a quote from the Dalai Lama: "Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend or a meaningful day."
Now is a useful time for you to reflect on how you can bring the focus back to relating to others with sincerity and openness. It isn’t easy and it isn’t an achievement in the sense of one day you will say, “Ah! Now I am sincere and open.” Nope. Every day you must be willing to start from the beginning and open up.
Sitting meditation and tonglen are two very useful practices. Sitting meditation will help you to find steadiness and balance within your mind and emotions, while tonglen will help you to meet unpleasant, terrifying, awful, and awkward experiences with kindness and compassion.
Also, I highly recommend the book The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron. It will provide some much needed guidance along the way.
Namaste sis :) Much love